Santa's laughter

Y'know... i don't like Christmas much (i may have mentioned it once in passing...?) and i suspect that most of the problem i have is that it feels somewhat hypocritical getting excited about something i can't put any actual faith behind. That does rather affect other things so here i present, in a twisted and bitter way, an alternative Christmas top five:

5. Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me by The Goodies
i think this has to be the most dubious song ever... i'd be surprised if a cover could be released now, the idea of Santa getting it on (even if only by insinuation) when dropping off gifts isn't exactly kid friendly! For those who haven't heard it, the gist is that the title is repeated a few times and then the last word removed for the next iteration, so it begins as "Father Christmas Do Not Touch Me" and on to "Father Christmas Do Not Touch" and so forth. The gist changes when it reaches "Father Christmas Do" and the finale is the singers shouting "Father"!

4. The Night Santa Went Crazy by Weird Al
To a degree this sums up Christmas in a way; the idea of the sheer pressure the "season to be jolly" places on people making them snap and wig out. Fortunately, some of us just play violent video games instead... Carmageddon on the Playstation was a great one for a long time, pretending the pedestrians were Christmas shoppers as you drove through large crowds.

3. I Wanna Spend My Christmas With A Dalek by the Go Gos
This has to be the ultimate representation of the fake bon homie, starting as it does with a Dalek presenting the listener with seasonal greetings. This one is really a product of its time musically and is hilarious for all the wrong reasons with the line about feeding a Dalek sugar spice being a personal "favourite" that i'd describe as toe curling if listening to the entire song didn't make it impossible to walk for at least five minutes.

2. Make A Daft Noise For Christmas by The Goodies
Despite originally being released during the 1970s, this is a startlingly appropriate song considering the current financial climate since the premise is that, since nobody can actually afford a "proper" Christmas, it would be better to simply make silly noises since they're free. i doubt our kids would go for it...

1. Santa's Laughter Mocks The Poor by The Attery Squash
The song that stoked the boiler for this train of thought and probably the most cynical Christmas song ever that doesn't involve death and destruction somewhere along the line. As with t he Goodies' "Make A Daft Noise", it focuses on the stifling commercialism and mentions that nagging doubt that just about any adult has (or at least should have in some cases) in the back of their mind that going into debt for bigger, shinier presents may well be a hideous mistake.

And just to "balance" things a little, a quick top three of Christmas songs that either aren't or at least shouldn't be on "feel good" compilation albums:

3. Stop The Cavalry by Jona Lewie
For some reason, this anti-war song seems to get everywhere despite the only reference being the line "wish I was at home for Christmas"; it's a fairly tenuous reference in the same way that Band Aid's "Do They Know It's Christmas" only mentions it in passing to reinforce a point about someone else's situation.

2. Let It Snow by Vaughn Monroe
There is no point in this song where the festive season is mentioned, in fact it's a love song and revolves around a couple parting in much the same way "Baby It's Cold Outside" does. For some people, myself included, the first real exposure to this is probably the end credits for the first two Die Hard films...

1. Fairytale of New York by The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl
Now, i adore this song personally but it's only about Christmas in the negative. The opening line says it all; "It was Christmas eve, babe, in the drunk tank", that says it all really!